i want to be the type of happy and content where i am not bitter and resentful when good things happen to other people. i guess i have always felt like there isn’t enough. it must be the consequences of being a poor kid. i hoard goodness. i believe in scarcity because it seems to haunt me and follow me wherever i go. i cannot watch others enjoy the sweetness in life because somehow i think if they get the good stuff that somehow means i don’t get to have any. it is like there is a large steamy bowl of fresh, hot, happiness at the dinner table. and if everyone before me takes a big scoop, then i am screwed and i don’t even get to lick the spoon.
for years i have avoided choir concerts and music performances because singing makes me so happy and it is painful to watch other people have that joy. i resent everyone who ever had a honeymoon. we paid for our own wedding so we never got to observe that highly popular tradition. every vacation our friends take, every plane ride, trip, facebook photo on the beach- makes me so bitter.
when i see someone with their best friend it makes me so sad that mine lives too far away to share the mundane things of life with. and when someone has a job that they love, i think i look at them as if it is their fault i am unhappy at mine. it is as if i believe there has to be some universal balance of misery. so if someone else is happy, that means that i have to be served a heaping plate of shit to eat. a very sane, small, part of my brain knows that this is simply not the way the world works; and that all this nonsense is actually contrary to what my faith says. but it is simply how i feel and how i perceive things. i wish i didn’t think this way. but i do and it is absolutely miserable.
i watched this movie about a year ago and it made me weep. WEEP. it is called “Happythankyoumoreplease.” i hate telling people the things that i like. it feels to vulnerable and i fear being judged for my taste. like how i watched the Tim Burton version of “Alice in Wonderland” and i thought it was the best thing ever. it spoke to me really deeply- i am not even kidding. i keep it a secret because that is really intimate information. i don’t usually like Tim Burton movies, as his style is too dark for my taste. but this one got me. adult Alice makes her way back to Wonderland but never remembers being there. everyone else remembers her and so she spends the rest of the film trying to figure out if she believes she is the same Alice everyone else remembers. more weeping.
“Happythankyoumoreplease” is another movie that poked a little too hard at my gaping, festering, wounds. the female protagonist struggles with self esteem and worth and she doesn’t think she is beautiful or worth loving. i am giving away a lot of info here. but her character says some stuff that resonated deeply. her name is Annie.
Annie: So, I’m trying to let go of the whole idea that we have to pay for our joy with sorrow or tragedy; that there has to be some sort of karmic balance, but it sure feels that way. You know what I mean? I do this thing…I can’t believe I’m telling you this…about a year ago, I was in this cab and this cab driver- this indian guy- started telling me all sorts of stuff. He was just looking at me in the rearview mirror and he said, “Bliss. Bliss is your birthright.” And I was like, “Uh…? 45th and Madison?” He said, “You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude. You do not give enough thanks.” I said, “Well- how do I do that?” And he said, “Simple. Say, ‘thank you.’” I said, “Well…when?” He said, “All the time- right now.” And he said when I say thank you I should say ‘more please.’
Tony: “Wait. Thank you, more please?”
Annie: “Yeah. That with gratitude the universe is eternally abundant. So I’ve been giving gratitude a shot. Thank you, more please. Thank you, more please. Thank you, more please. How crazy am I sounding here?
*later in the film*
Annie to her best friend via voicemail: “So here’s what I have to say to you before the damn beep cuts me off: Sadness be gone. Let’s be people who deserve to be loved…who are worthy. Cuz we are worthy. You’ve told me that for years, and now I get to spit it back at you. Yeah, I know. I’m totally gonna get nominated for the Sincerity Award. Fuck it, I don’t care, I want to win it. You’re a good man. Go get yourself loved. That’s all I got.”
i am right there with Annie.